The Truth Behind my Personality Change - The Transformative Love of Christ
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How can she be me?
If you know me, you know that I’m a girly girl. I love flowers and makeup and cute clothes, romance movies. You might also know that I’m unassuming. It’s in my personality to be timid and soft-spoken.
Soooo when people figure out about the person I was just three years ago they are SHOCKED.
I was no girly girl. I was a full-blown tomboy. The total opposite of who I am now.
I had short hair in a boy-cut, I wore extremely baggy, boyish clothes, I never wore makeup. I had this bold and uncaring persona, and one of my favorite things to do was write and perform in the rap category, which people who have met me in the past year find shocking. Some of my students (in the Fine Arts class that I teach at my church) found a video of me on Youtube doing my rap solo during my junior year of high school. They could not believe that I used to be like that, and for good reason. It's confusing!
How can this be, and which one is the real Jo?
Back then, people sometimes mistook me for a boy, and this is because I did not want to be a girl. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, and though I never once identified as gay or transgender, I suffered from what I now know to be gender dysphoria.
The person I am today is the restored version of me. Back then, I was B.C. Jo. I had just found the Lord, and I didn’t know it then, but A.C. Jo would look a lot different.
The truth is... the girl that I was then was a girl who was walking without her God to tell her who she was.
Spiritual Warfare
I know some girls go through a “tomboy phase,” and there’s nothing wrong with that, but for me this personality change was due to deep issues with my identity, specifically with my gender identity. My identity issues were for a lot of reasons; Partly because of insecurity and feeling rejected by my peers from a young age, but if I'm being honest, it was largely due to spiritual warfare.
No matter how hard I tried to convince people I was now a “tomboy,” that was completely different from who I had been my whole life. My parents have told me that as a child, I only wanted to play with girl toys. I loved to have tea parties, play with Barbies, and watch Princess movies. So why the sudden change?
Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Like I said, there’s nothing wrong with being a tomboy, but for me this was not... normal. We have an enemy who wants to obscure who we are because it is dangerous to him.
Some of you do not know what it’s like to struggle with gender identity, but the truth is, in this day and age, it is running rampant among generation Z youth. It's more common than you may realize, but it is not something that is harmless; Gender dysphoria is almost synonymous with other mental health issues like anxiety and depression. But it’s not a psychological issue, it’s a heart issue and being in that kind of bondage is the plot of the devil.
Restoration
The truth is, there was nothing I could've done to fix what was going on with me. Who I am today is because of God. I was so broken, and I had all these mental health issues that I didn't feel like I could open up to anyone about. God took that as an opportunity to turn me into his restoration project.
There are a lot of people who try to stay neutral on issues of homosexuality and gender identity. I know that back then, nobody said anything to me about how I was expressing myself because this is how our society has trained people to be. Our polarized, politically correct, and overly sensitive culture tells us if we don’t accept and affirm then we must be bigoted and hateful.
But I stand in love as I tell you today that God does not make mistakes. He made you who you are on purpose, and to try and reconstruct your own identity is to crown yourself god of your own life. You didn’t make you, you can’t remake yourself or change biology. I remember just wishing so hard that I could have just been born a boy. I thought that would solve all of my problems. It took me a long time to accept the truth that I don't get to decide those things.
You are who God says you are. And if you try to fill the shoes of God, you play the same game as your enemy, the devil.
But I stand before you now unashamed and completely made new, and it is all because of Jesus. He did it, not me. He is the only one who has this kind of transformative power. So, if God can transform me and turn around all of MY sin and MY mess, just know, he can absolutely turn around whatever mess you’re currently sitting in.
So, how does this apply to you?
If this is all sounding way too familiar, if this is hitting too close to home, I want you to understand that God doesn't just expose your problem to the world and force you to fix it. God fixed me behind closed doors. I had a private relationship with Him that changed my public image, and even though it was a really hard and long path to restoration, He was a comforter of my soul as much as he was a refiner of my character.
Here are some steps you can start taking to change your life for the better and break down whatever stronghold that may be present in your life.
1. Realize
For quite some time, I lied to myself, saying that my gender dysphoria was fine. I was willfully blind to the fact that it was tearing me up inside. But before anything could change, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was not okay for anything to get better. This meant I needed to stop being complacent.
Ephesians 4:27 "Give no opportunity to the devil."
Whatever work the enemy is trying to do in your life, you have to be in the place where you're done with it. The Lord is wiling and ready to do the work, but He is waiting for your permission.
2. Repent
Repentance sounds so big and bad. I used to hear that word and think of punishment and shame, but repentance is actually a pathway to healing. It is simply the act of making oneself right with God. It's saying you're sorry... and surprisingly, you cannot do this successfully alone. Even though it is a personal decision, you need God to lead you to repentance and walk you through it. And if repenting with God sounds scary, know this....
1 Peter 4:8, "Love covers a multitude of sins,"
1 John 4:8, "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."
God covers our sins. This doesn't mean that he hides them, even though that's what we do...
Genesis 3:8-10, "Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord...and they hid from the Lord God... But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid...The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them."
God covers our sins as a way of protecting us, and loving US even when we wrong HIM. Let God lead you to and through repentance -- that is the pathway to breakthrough.
3. Restart
This is the part where you actually do better. You put into practice everything you said you were done with, and this is hardest step of all.
Ephesians 4:22-24, "put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."
This is unfortunately easier said than done. If you really want to be free from your affliction and a true follower of Jesus, it will take some serious work. I remember, in the days after I got born again, I could not get out of the valleys. And even though God was sitting with me in the trenches, it felt like I was doing something wrong... I had given my life to Jesus! Why was my spiritual life so hard??
Philippians 2:12, "Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling."
The hardest part isn't even repentance, it's the days after you repent. It's living and walking different. And if this sounds like a lot, know God is going to carry your through this and be your strength during this time.
Psalms 73:26, "My flesh and heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Just like how in repentance, you need God to really repent, you also need God to walk the righteous path. Yes, my spiritual life was unbelievably hard for years before things got easier, but being so weak meant that 1) He was my only true strength, and 2) I came to know God's character through the process. And just remember, even though hard times are guaranteed, so is help through them.
Isaiah 40:31, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
It doesn’t get more drastic than a 180 turn, and that’s what I did! I was the complete opposite of who I am now, and even though I was able to walk this out, my faith-legs were shaking the whole time. It was difficult, I only made it through because the Lord gave me peace, and joy and strength.
We all have afflictions, anyone one of us can have a stronghold in our life, but God breaks strongholds. He works miracles. He is a God of the impossible. Admitting to my past mistakes is hard, but I am not ashamed.
And if God could make ME new, then there is NO ONE who is too far gone for our God.
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