Adoption to Sonship: How I Went From Being an Orphan to Accepting My Seat at His Table
Sparing Yourself Rejection Cuts Off the Possibility of Love
Something I have been learning for a long time in my walk with the Lord is how to accept love. If you read my last blog you would know that I spent years in self-loathing, low self-confidence and isolation. Part of this was because I let people close who God did not bring into my life, and being hurt by them kind of crippled me emotionally. Maybe that sounds dramatic...
In truth, I struggled a lot with what I've come to recognize as an orphan spirit. If you don't know what that is, for me it was essentially the prevailing feeling and belief that I did not belong. You disqualify yourself, you self-isolate and self-reject. It was only after I found the Lord and started to come into agreement with what He said about me that I started to accept love and trust others again.
When I started to walk in healing with Jesus, and I accepted my belonging to the Father I unlearned toxic habits of self-isolation and rejection. With this orphan mentality, you think the only way to protect yourself is to separate yourself from everyone, but it's actually the opposite - if you continue to self-isolate, it creates a cycle that only worsens these feelings. And as of late, I am seeing those walls still being torn down.
Yesterday I went on a date with my boyfriend Bradley. Gosh, it feels weird to call him that because it is still so new. As I'm writing this it is early April of 2025, but we started "dating" in December 2024 and made it official ("boyfriend" and "girlfriend") last month (exactly 3 weeks ago).
This is my first serious relationship and my first boyfriend. And I can honestly say the way God plopped him into my life and orchestrated our whole relationship is so evident that it's actually insane.
I'll just say this, God is the ultimate love doctor. But that's an entire other blog post.
Last night we went on a 50s-themed date. We went to a retro-style diner and then we saw a double-feature at a Drive-In theatre. Super cool, right? But I have to say romantic love is new for me. Heck, walking closely in community at all is new for me. And sometimes I think the old me shows up even when I don't want her to.
Last night at one point, Bradley detected my sense of angst though I was trying to hide it, and he told me in the nicest way possible to "stop being so tense emotionally," and then he did something that really stuck with me. "You're safe," he said.
Gosh, I almost cried. It should be a given right?
Relationships should come easy. Don't they for most people? Why was I so tense? Why is this so hard for me?
Well, being rejected by my peers, feeling abandoned by friends that I loved, and then later having the orphan spirit - it's a tactic of the enemy to make you feel completely and utterly alone and unwanted.
But even this relationship is God working on my heart. One of the reasons God has put me with Bradley is so I can learn to accept love again, but this time in the right way with the right person. God is restoring me, and it shows. And the things he is teaching me are changing my perception of the world entirely.
I've learned that to know someone is to love them, and if you don’t let people know you, you don’t let people love you. The notion that I used to hold that nobody knows me and if they did they would reject me is an absolute lie - but it is a lie that I used to live.
I used to think that by not letting people know me, I was sparing myself the hurt of being rejected, and that may be true. But itf you shut people out completely, it also means that you’re also disallowing the possibility of being loved.
When I found Jesus, I found my way home. I may act like an orphan sometimes still, but I am absolutely devoted to changing those old patterns. The cure isn't getting away from everyone and trying to fix it myself.
The cure is getting close. And other people will see the ways that I'm weak, but it's the way I can truly recover. The more weak I feel the stronger I become.
It kinda reminds me of Frozen, how Elsa thinks she is a danger to other people because of her ice powers, but by alientaing herself from others, it increases her fear and anxiety making her emotional state worse and becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. If Elsa's parents let her learn how to use her powers in a safe way, if they allowed her to make mistakes, she could've learned to harness her gift. But instead her parents fear of her powers and their poor stewardship of the situation caused a whole lot of unnecessary drama.
Elsa is a good example of the orphan spirit. Nobody wants me, no one cares, I'm on my own, I have to self-isolate, I have been abandoned. But the true solution was learning to trust her sister and let her close.
I actually played Elsa in a school play, and God used the message of this story to melt the ice in my own heart. He was using the story as a parallel to my own journey. And it's something he reminds me of even today.
To the people who hurt us, I think we have to act like Jesus and say “Forgive them Father, they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34)
And to the people who, like me, are still finding there way despite the hiccups, know that Luke 15:7 says “I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.”
There's glory in embarking on the journey for God even if it shows us in an undignified light or makes us appear weak.
2 Corinthians 12:9
His power is made perfect in weakness.
So maybe the more vulnerable I become, the more emotionally strong I can be. I know that God shows us his character as we walk in community, and I think that's what I was learning here.
That God just wanted me to trust him to be my Father, and I did go through a time of orphanhood. But those days are over, and I don't have to look back.
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