Endless Grace: How Jesus Uncovers the Why Before Trying to Fix the What

Learning to Stop Beating Myself Up

I am currently in what many believers call a "busy season." There's lots of big things on the horizon for me, and they are all going to take a lot of work and preparation to go smoothly. One of them was a big test that I would have to study for. I had to take this test in order to graduate with my AA. 

But instead of feeling excited, I started to feel anxiousness, fear, and dread. Instead of rolling up my sleeves, locking in, and being ready to get to work, I got lazy and fell into a trap of consistent procrastination; falling short of things that needed to be done, frequently ignoring the tasks on my to-do list, and I started to spiral into guilt because of it. I knew I needed to do better, pick myself up, and start making the right decisions, but I lacked the will. I would tell myself, tomorrow I'd do better, but I would wake up the next morning only for the cycle to continue, and the clock was still ticking. The deadlines were ever-impending, and if I continued on this path, my life was going to transcend into a disastrous nightmare.

The Dream That Shook Me

I had a dream that I missed one of these deadlines, and in my dream, I started crying out in devastation. The guilt and shame of how I had been walking was so prevalent in my subconscious mind that it bled even into the nighttime—a time that is supposed to be quiet and peaceful. The time where we are supposed to stop thinking, doing, and planning. The only time that the whole world really stops.

But I couldn't truly rest because I wasn't truly applying myself. This is a place I'm sure we have all been, and during this time, I felt so deeply unaccomplished; like a total failure.

And then... it all came to a breaking point.

Hitting Rock Bottom

I started to break down. I was in my car driving home after another day of missing seemingly every mark. And I had reached rock bottom. I couldn't take it anymore. The guilt, the shame. I started to list off all the ways I was failing as it came crashing down on me all at once. I told myself I was failing as an employee, as a student, as a teacher, as a girlfriend, and as a daughter. In every imaginable way, I had dropped the ball. Even if others didn't see it, and even if I was doing a good job of concealing it from view, I knew my own heart; my own actions—that I was willfully not fulfilling my full potential. I had been feeling so incredibly trapped, and I couldn't stand it any longer.

I started to pray a very desperate prayer. "God, please help me get out of this mess! God, please forgive me, I repent!"

And that's when He told me something that pierced my heart. He told me to stop "beating myself up." That made me stop in my tracks.

Realizing The Trap

That was exactly what I was doing! I was ruthlessly ripping myself to pieces, painting a brutal self-portrait. I had myself on the ropes, writing an unforgiving and accusatory narrative that wasn't entirely true and didn't originate from me or God. No, it originated from a mysterious third party—the enemy of my soul. The one who can't really sabotage me on his own, he doesn't have jurisdiction over my life anymore, but he can try to get me to do it. He can't stop the plan of my life, but he can try to convince me it's not worth it. He had me doing his own dirty work.

And then God reminded me of something my pastor talked about two Sundays ago—a term he coined called "scorecard Christianity." The act of keeping a record of our few wins and numerous shortcomings. A tactic that many Christians employ to keep themselves in check, though it is not at all biblical, and it is not how grace works.

The Bible actually says that God is Love, and that Love keeps no record of wrongs; that His mercies are new every morning.

With a scorecard, you'll get things right... some of the time. But most of the time, you won't. And the accuser tells you that even if you got one green checkmark, it doesn't redeem you from the long list of red X's you have yet to redeem yourself of; you're not off the hook yet, keep striving.

But God's grace is automatic and endless. And yes, there are areas you need to repent in, but God's grace is like a safety net that, even when you fall, is always there to catch you. You never run out of second, seventh, or seventieth chances.

There were areas I needed to repent in, that's undoubtedly true. But repentance without kindness to lead you there just leads to endless self-punishment; a debt you can never repay, and actions you can never erase.

The enemy will try to get you to fix the what without ever examining or paying attention to the why.

Focusing On The Why

What Jesus does is He focuses on the why before He tries to get you to fix the what. And when He presses into the why, providing healing and restoration at the root is what eventually results in changed behavior—a changed heart. Focusing on behavior modification yields shaky results at best.

In my conversation with the Lord, I was focused on what I did. He focused on why I did it.

The Lord showed me that the reason I had been avoiding my future, procrastinating, and putting things off was actually because I was afraid I was going to fail. In my mind, it was better to never try than to try and fail. The Lord helped instill in me belief in my own abilities. He encouraged me. He reminded me that it wasn't all up to me; that in the places He was calling me, though they were higher and more lofty than anything I'd ever done, He was going to equip me to do them—it wasn't up to me to “bring it.”

Finding The Answer

The next morning I woke up and studied for my test. First thing. Which seemed impossible the week before. After all the times I had put it off, I found the secret to fixing the WHAT—focusing in on the WHY. And I remembered that God is not keeping score. I once walked the tightrope of life alone, terrified to fall, but now I have a safety net.

I can afford to dream bigger, to try and fail.

He reminded me that He didn't look at me and see someone He was still waiting on to impress Him. 

He looked at me and saw someone He is incredibly proud of. 

I didn't have to surgically alter any imperfections that I saw in my own broken mirror. I could accept my God-given identity and see myself through a grace-filled lens. I didn't have to worry and stress about my behavior, because Jesus was honing in on the root cause and I could receiving healing there. 

And I didn't have to keep score or tally up my shortcomings because He ripped my scorecard to shreds.