If God Isn't Ashamed of Me, Then Why Am I Ashamed of Me?

Insecurity about my past used to hold me back from ministering to others. But people don't need cookie cutter Christians who have never struggled with sin or felt pain. The story of someone who HAS struggled and was still able to overcome, shows the tangible proof of God's power and makes the gospel accessible to people right where they're at. 

Tangible Kingdom Devotional

There was a question in my devotional today that really got to the root of a problem I have been dealing with for years. 

In my Missional Community, we are doing this 8-week journal together called Tangible Kingdom. I'll be honest, I have never been in a Missional Community, and the idea of it scared the heck out of me at first.

Not only would we do a devotional every week-day for 8 weeks, but we would meet on a weekly basis and share what as in our hearts during that time. Commitment AND community?? It doesn't get any worse than that.

Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it, I was signed up. 

I basically didn't have any good or plausible reason to decline the invite, and for that, I now thank the Lord. This MC challenged me deeply, digging at core questions of some old habits that - now that I've accepted Christ - I'm too good for. 

The book is all about how we can tangibly bring the Kingdom to our lives; It talks about living an "incarnate" life, with the goal being Heaven actually surfacing on Earth in our everyday lives. 

I started off strong, but over the course of the next few weeks, I started falling behind. As I said before, I was allergic to commitment. 

But during week 5, I suddenly had a deep desire to pursue God with greater urgency. I had been backsliding into those old habits, and for quite some time I had been in a spiritual slump. I felt totally disappointed in myself, but I was suddenly motivated to make things right with God, remembering, how things used to be between me and Him. 

I should just try to catch up enough to be on track for when we meet tonight, I thought. Suddenly I was filling out the questions, and writing paragraphs. In week's past, it was a miracle if I even read the page that day, and if I did, my responses were uninspired, one word answers. But this time was different. I blew through several pages with fervent intensity. 

I sped to section 5.3, which shared a verse I'd read before - but this time it hit different. Paul calls us all "jars of clay" indicating that imperfect people would be the ones chosen to proclaim and carry the gospel message. 

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12

Wow. The only thing that was more impactful to me than this verse was the reflection questions that followed. 

    When you read this, do you tend to focus on the possibilities of ministry or your clay pot? 

Yikes. Definitely my clay pot. 

    What are your weakness?

I wrote down two things. 1) My past struggles, and 2) Insecurity / feeling un-fit to minister to others. And then I just started asking God questions. Things that were on my heart; Things I really wanted to know the answer to. 

I also wrote down His response to them. This was the most powerful part. 

How can someone who has done the things that I've done be any help to the people I'm called to minister to?

You are exactly the kind of person who will reconcile their heart to Mine. 

Sheesh. Touché, Lord. 

What people need is not a perfect person removed from problems, struggles and pain. In fact, the best kind of role model is someone who has struggled with sin in the past, and yet was still able to overcome it. That shows tangible proof of the power of the Cross. Furthermore, it makes living as a disciple accessible to people who are not yet reconciled to the Father. 

But if I tell them the truth about me (all I've struggled with and been saved from) I'll be exposed. No one will love me anymore. They'll hate me and be disappointed in me. They'll turn me away and discard me. 

        If your worst fear is being turned away for your sin, ask yourself, "Has God EVER done that to me?" No. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). There's no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). If you're ashamed, let Me heal you of that. I'm not ashamed of you. 

So, if God isn't ashamed of me, then why am I ashamed of me? 

The gospel message IS that we can be free from all of it: sin, the past, shame... If I don't believe that I am fully set free and redeemed, then I don't believe the whole gospel. If I can't forgive myself for what I've done, then I don't believe in the finished work of the Cross. 

And maybe that sounds like a bunch of Christian-ese, but I'm not just trying to use a bunch of spiritual buzz words that leave everyone wondering how to actually live this out. 

If this is going in one ear and out the other right now, here's what I mean...

If you've been struggling to share your WHOLE testimony - all of the dirty, reprehensible acts and brokenness that God ripped you from - out of SHAME, then that is just about the most nonsensical thing you could do. 

Especially as a Christian who believes in Jesus and has accepted salvation. 

The enemy makes you feel ashamed not because he cares about wrong or right. He knows that you do, though. And if he can get your voice to hush, he can keep people in shameful darkness. 

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb; and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink back from death. 
11 

Revelation 12:11

The whole point of getting you to feel shame is a plot to get you to stay silent, and lull you into thinking that doing so is the "righteous thing" to do. But I said it once, and I'll say it again: The last thing the enemy cares about is righteousness. And not only that, but he bullies you into silence and makes you think there's nothing you can do about it - which is what abusers do, by the way. 

All that you're really doing is preserving yourself, and allowing others to stay in the same pain and suffering that you, yourself have felt. It's a lose, lose situation. 

To not be authentic about where you walked is doing others a disservice, because then they don't know about or have access to the same redemption you have benefited from. You are absolutely a jar of clay, a broken and imperfect person, but you have been granted salvation. And to deny other people the same opportunity because it sheds you in a bad light is prideful, spineless and selfish. 

But if anybody needed to hear all of that, it is most definitely me. 

If I was sitting in a class and the teacher told everyone to raise their hand if they've fallen for this exact ploy, the answer for me would absolutely be YES, but I would be too ashamed to even raise my hand, which fully proves my point. 

I have done this over and over. 

And it's worse than that, I've had this revelation and done nothing about it! I've known all of this in my head, but I didn't know it in my heart, and so it didn't transfer to my hands or feet. I've been ashamed about being ashamed; Spineless when I knew someone needed me. 

I've felt muzzled despite a zeal for my Father's house that consumed me. I've kept my faith a "personal decision." I've had the gospel locked up in my heart, even though every fiber of my being wanted this truth to be out there and free. 

But I'd be willing to bet I'm not the only one.

And I think the lesson today, for anyone who needs to hear it, is that if we would bravely and boldly speak up at the expense of our reputation, image and pride, we will discover that doing so is what is truly the most righteous thing to do. 

Jesus didn't spare himself the cross, and because of it, I have him to thank for my freedom from condemnation. I was absolutely on the road of destruction, literally the highway to hell. And because He put Himself on the line, I was spared. 

And so, is the gospel going to cost us a lot, perhaps everything? Yes. 

Can being authentic about our walk and past mistakes un-dignifying and pride-destroying? Yes. 

...But is it worth it if we can give someone the same gospel that saved our life? Yes. 

The answer is yes. 

Reflection Questions:

1) Are there any ways that you have shied away from sharing all of your testimony? Is guilt or shame something you regularly feel?

2) How has your life been changed by someone else's authenticity about where they've walked?